downer

Right now at this very moment I am having an emotional break down and though I don't like to let people see me sweat I am probably going to lay it all out there right now and regret it later. I was watching the four episodes of Glee that I missed this season and I wish I wouldn't have, at least not all at once. I realize that not only did I cry through every episode but that the dreams I had for my life after high school got seriously lost. I did not want to graduate. I loved high school so much and let me tell you why. I was a softball star, in theatre, popular in my own way, had guys fighting to date me and people who wanted to be friends with me just because I was amazing. I was on top of the world. My first love finally noticed me which was the greatest thing ever, attended dances and parties with friends and most of all I was always noticed. Superficial??? Absolutely but I loved it and I don't think I ever really moved on from that. After my first love and I broke up I went on a depression tour for quiet awhile then I met my husband, two years later got married, had 5 kids and here I am still not realizing my dreams, heavier than I would have ever thought I would be and in a ward I don't really fit in to, a house I hate, and dreams of being in the spotlight and being successful, adored constantly and with many accomplishments under my belt far away in the distance, again, superficial I know. I don' think I ever really developed a healthy idea of who I am and the worth that I have. I have always been the loudest in the room, the standout and the leader of the pack, I must say being at the bottom SUCKS! What kind of self is that to depend on others view of you to love and accept who you are? Thanks dad for that, he was the exact same way. I have always dreamed of the limelight. On the other hand I also dreamed of a family with a great husband. I achieved the latter which should be fulfilling my life to the fullest.....why doesn't it? Because I am stuck in my high school brain I mean I still talk to my first love with whom I have a serious emotional attachment to, who does that? I feel like my life has passed me by and reinventing ME is over. Stupid I know but it's how I feel. I want to grow up and move on, I really do but It is so scary to leave your past behind, It's comforting to have it there but everything has changed. My dad is dead...My DAD! My grandparents have died as well except one whom I can't live without. My Uncle, friends...growing up sucks! Again I should not have taken in ALL of Glee in one day. I think it may be time to go back to therapy., It's not easy admitting you need help or to let people see the vulnerable side of you but I realize that part of me is sharing that side of me. I know that I have been blessed with so much, do not get me wrong! It's ME I'm not happy with. I want to be a published author yet I think that I might not be talented enough. I want to shine again and be on top of the world unfortunately I have been staring down a black hole for 3 years now and the light is no where in sight! It helps me to get things out of my head and on paper so I hope that after I bare my soul in this entry that I will feel a little better. I see the gorgeous popular girls I was friends with in school and they are still in great shape, travel, taking adventures and seem like they have everything. Popular girls getting fat after high school is a LIE just so you know. My mind is always fighting between what I believe religiously and the world. Would I be happy as a famous author? I would like to think so but my instinct tells me If I'm not happy with who I am inside that it doesn't matter what I do or not do I still won't be happy and fulfilled. I have great friends and an amazing husband and 5 beautiful children yet when I look in the mirror, I AM MISERABLE! I know that the only person who can change me is me, It doesn't make the reality of that any easier though. So off into the mid day I go to pick up my beautiful kids from school and pray that one day I will be able to feel anything about myself but numb! Sorry for the downer but I am human, I think!